i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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