Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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