I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
