yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
