It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
