i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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