a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
