i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
