I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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