This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize