i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
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