my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
