2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
