my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Shame - the story of my life.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize