Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
