Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
