yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
