It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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