I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
