it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
