I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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