when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
