it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
