What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
