i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
