My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
