So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Don't make out with my wife yet
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
