All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
