i don't like sucking hair
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
