there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize