Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
