Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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