Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
