Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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