I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Randomize