Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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