I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
