just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
