You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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