there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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