I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
