fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Betty ford says i'm here all night
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
