I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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