if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
