I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
