I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
