Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
