brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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