remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
