Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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