I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize