Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
