If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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