There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
