dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
