Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
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