i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I don't think brook has ever known best
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
