This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
