he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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