You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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